I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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