Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize