I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize