not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
