she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
