It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
