How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
