it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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