I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
