She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
and she was petting her beer can
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
My vagina just clenched in fear
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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