Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
