Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
