Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
