I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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