bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
