jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
