Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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