You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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