I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
