nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
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