Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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