I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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