Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
