The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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