Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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