I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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