I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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