so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
