if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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