I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just want nice things and good sex
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
