what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize