I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
