I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
