The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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