Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
