I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
