Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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