I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
