I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My feet surprised me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
