How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
