He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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