Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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