it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize