sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Randomize
