Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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