life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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