My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
whose parrot is this?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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