you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
