I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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