So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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