There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize