there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize