i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Randomize
