Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
