Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
