I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
