We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
