I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
