I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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