I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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