Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
