And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
