I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
