Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
