mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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