I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
